Last week, in response to my thoughts on forgiving the unforgivable hurts of others, one reader requested that I address forgiving ourselves. To do this, we must first define what we mean by “forgiving ourselves” because it is very different from forgiving others.
Essentially, forgiveness is the extraordinary grace given when a person who was mistreated does not hold that offense against the person who wronged them. But when we speak of forgiving ourselves we are not both the offender and the offended. Instead, we have done something wrong to another or acted poorly and are angry with ourselves for the failure. We have not mistreated ourselves and need to extend forgiveness to ourselves, but are disappointed at what we have done to someone else. This forgiving ourselves is more about accepting and coming to terms with our own wrong actions. The “offense” is how our wrong behavior is not who we want to be. Getting over our anger at ourselves in these situations does not even have much to do with whether or not the person we mistreated forgives us. We are miserable because we failed to live up to our own standards.
Sometimes the actions that we regret and hold against ourselves were done long ago when we had a different mindset about such matters. Now our understanding about what is good and right has changed. We are in disbelief that we could have acted so poorly in the past, even though at the time we thought nothing of what we did. To forgive ourselves we need to let go, not of an offense against us, but of the illusion that we are better than we actually are.
Therefore, to forgive ourselves starts with admitting that we have not been as good as we want to be. Once again, like in forgiving others their unforgivable offenses, our difficulty forgiving ourselves is a opposed by pride. We want to believe that we are basically good people, and often excuse many of our mistakes because our intentions were genuine. However, when we have truly and undeniably behaved badly, we must face our sinfulness much to the horror of our pride.
Being forgiven is a profoundly humiliating spiritual experience. To receive forgiveness requires acknowledging our misbehavior, and the forgiveness itself is an unmerited gift. We are humbled by both the admission of guilt and free gift. We must accept that we cannot undo or fix what we have done which was harmful, and we are simply in need of the mercy of forgiveness. We would rather, to satisfy our pride, make up for what we did wrong than have to receive the charity of forgiveness. I see at least two parts to self-forgiveness, and pride will be a hindrance for both.
One part is accepting forgiveness. This may or nay not be extended by those we hurt, but is always God’s gift to us. Trusting in the totality of God’s forgiveness will help us forgive ourselves, but may not be enough to relieve us completely of our anger at ourselves. The second part is that we fully accept our weak and imperfect present condition. Even when we have been granted a willing spirit, the flesh is weak (Matthew 26:41). This is no excuse for ungodly behavior, but the humbling awareness that we have sinned and will continue to struggle with sin. If we think of ourselves as unlikely to make mistakes, we will be devastated when we do wrong.
Beloved, now we are children of God, and it has not appeared as yet what we will be. We know that when He appears, we will be like Him, because we will see Him just as He is. 1 John 3:2
If the root problem is pride, then the path to forgiving myself begins with admitting and not denying that I have sinned. That confession is made to God and to whomever I have wronged. I need to trust that God’s forgiveness is certain, and to make amends if possible to any others I have harmed. All this is done within the humble acknowledgment that I am a very imperfect person. I must let go of any false idea in which I believe I can be perfect, and so let go of past failures that could haunt me. God is much more comfortable with my imperfection than I am. To be like God, who is accepting, I must accept my present weak condition. We learn from he past but move toward the future.
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