Asking for Forgiveness

Jesus says many things about forgiveness: we are to forgive as we are forgiven, we need to forgive “seventy times seven”, the one who has been forgiven much, loves much, and that is just a few of his teachings. But does he ever tell us that we are to ask others to forgive us when we have wronged them? I can’t find where he does.

When it comes to asking for forgiveness, Jesus teaches us to ask for forgiveness from God, as in the Lord’s Prayer. This is also the viewpoint of Psalm 51 in which David says to God, “against you, you alone have a sinned”, though in fact he had done evil to many others (Psalm 51:4). He is not making light of his murder of Uriah, his abuse of Bathsheba, nor the way he failed all Israel for whom he was supposed to be a godly king. He had wronged them all.

However, none of them can forgive him in any meaningful way, nor should he ask forgiveness from them. Instead, David must try to make whatever amends he can to all those he treated horribly. With time they may be able to forgive him, but it is not his place to ask for it.

Our habit of asking others to forgive us is a bad one. We certainly need to admit to others when we have done them wrong in any way, but we do this without asking them for anything. We owe them our best attempt to right our wrong.

Therefore if you are presenting your offering at the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your offering there before the altar and go; first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and present your offering. Matthew 5:23-24

Jesus doesn’t say go and ask your brother for forgiveness. That would not be reconciling but asking for grace. When we have done wrong to others we need to give grace rather than request it. Giving grace is doing what we can to make  things right with those we have hurt and mistreated.

Jesus tells us to be reconciled, which means to be back in harmony with the person who has something against us. We accomplish this by addressing their reason for being unhappy with us, which means making it right if at all possible. If we ask for forgiveness we are saying, “I wronged you, but you need to get over it right away and make me feel better by forgiving me.” Typically, we request forgiveness immediately and without asking “how can I make things right with you?” 

We also need to try to understand more deeply what we did wrong, especially if someone is telling us we offended them and we were unaware. To say quickly, “I’m sorry, will you forgive me?” is dismissive of what we have done and  demonstrates a disregard for our neighbor. We are making no attempt to empathize or come to enough understanding of our actions to have remorse. The situation is thrust back on the person we mistreated as if they must forgive now. We put them in the bind of saying they forgive or being in the wrong, which quickly moves from our being in the wrong to putting them there.

Since Jesus never tells us to ask for forgiveness from one another, we should stick to doing what he actually enjoins: forgive others, ask God to forgive us, tell others we are sorry whenever we wrong them, seek to understand our misdeeds, and seek how we can make things right when we have done wrong.